I'm not sure why this happened to me. Stan Miller came over early this morning because he was locked out of his house. Larry and Donald left and I got up later and fixed breakfast. I enjoy talking to Stan he seems to be a deep, sensitive, aesthetic person. Anyway, while we were sitting at the table, he took my hand, telling me he had wanted to hold it for a long time, but he respected me. Well, I let him. Stan is an attractive young man, and I had thought previously, "Jeanne, he's just being nice to you. A guy that cool isn't going to be interested in you."

From there, though, just because I didn't object when he took my hand, he just wanted to go too far too fast! I mean, well, what are you supposed to do, when a guy you are interested in takes you hand? You don't pull away, do you? I mean that's not so terrible, lots of girls do more than that on a first date! I just don't have any experience to go on, so I don't know.

For me, physical affection cannot be given without love in marriage at least not as free as he was taking it. He couldn't believe that no one had ever held or kissed me or that I'd never "had a man.

Maybe it's a white black difference in approach. Ghetto women are supposed to be more sexually aggressive than middle class women. Anyway, whatever it was, he didn't have the sensitivity to know what to do and what not to do with me so I just clammed up, put physical distance between us and told him, "I just don't want to relate to you on that level.

It had to be a mind expanding thing for him, if nothing else.

He's probably not run into such a complex of fears, distrust, middle class mores about sex, and Christian standards about sex. For a woman sex is tied to her feelings of love and I personally don't want to break that tie myself.

He didn't seem to have much respect for himself. He told me, "I know that the staff probably wouldn't understand, so you could keep our relationship a secret if you wanted to. For him to want to date someone he thought was ashamed of dating him I don't know. Doesn't seem healthy.

He left, but didn't seem to be cold or angry, when I put a stop to the action. I think I should have put a stop to it a lot sooner. I will next time and that's not a cop out!

I wonder if I was giving off wrong "radiations" or something. See, sometimes I have real struggles with impure thoughts and things. I always feel really guilty about them after I entertain them and I always have to go to the Lord and admit my failure one more time. I'd been having more temptations in that area all week. But this morning I got up with a pure mind and had prayed and turned my physical needs back over to God. I didn't think I was "asking for" any of that treatment from Stan unaware.

I wonder if with a black guy from the ghetto like Stan, who grew up without a father, and who raised himself because his mother was always working, plus the fact that black mother seemingly look out more for their daughters and let their sons take care of themselves (Ronnie made that comment to Barb once) they just grow up starved for attention, love, and affection. That, coupled with a sex drive, must make them so very aggressive compared with their white, middle class counterparts. Stan sees me as a very warm person and said that's what he needs. In that case I feel rather bad, but I don't see any answer to it. He's got to trust the Lord to meet more of that need, and trust that He'll supply someone who really loves him and can meet his total needs as a person in a growing relationship. If he wasn't just out to see how much he could get (and I don't know if he was or wasn't) it's a terrible thing to have a human being come to you with such needs and you have to turn your back, cop out, and not have any satisfying answers for him.

It kind of reminds me of when my best friend, who dates back to my early teenage years, of when my best friend's father died. At the funeral home when I came, she saw me and came to put her arms around my neck for comfort. I froze inside, but I put my arms around her because I just couldn't be cold to Arlene at that time. It's funny, I always criticize Ronnie for copping out on his friends and family, when they need him back the most and time and time again I've done the same thing.

I told my mom about Stan. She just seemed to think he was just out for grabs. Somehow I hate to accuse him of that it makes us both less than human. I don't know. Women are treated like things in the ghetto, and man woman relationships seem so imperfect.